April 3rd, 2005

L’amazing Lamaze

We’ve entered the realm of Lamaze. Today marked the first day of our “Getting Ready to Push Something the Size of a Watermelon Through Something the Size of a Thing You Don’t Want to Push Anything the Size of a Watermelon Through” childbirth classes at the hospital we’ll be “delivering” at in Midtown. I’m starting to resent the word “delivering” a bit; it sounds so benign, so “gifty”: “Sweetie, I’m heading to the post office to “deliver” this birthday gift!” or “Be right back! I’m “delivering” the fruitcake to the Robinson’s next door!” or “Sorry Miss Williams, I have to call you back; I’m about to “deliver” a kid through a torrent of pain and anguish so great that Dante’s Inferno sounds like Disneyland! Bye!” It’s a deceiving term, really.

Yes, Lamaze. We’re a bit freaked out. Andy got to practice being my “coach” today, which I have to say, didn’t instill all that much confidence in me. Not that he wasn’t the sweetest, most attentive father-to-be in that birthing class, but during our first “breathing exercise,” I watched as he turned white, grew faint, and choked back a mini-throw-up. We’ve got some practice to do.

Phyllis, our instructor, loves to wave her arms like a conductor in front of your face while you practice deep breathing. She likes to tell stories about the “deliveries” of her four children back in the 1950’s. She’s sweet and grandma-like and the whole room gets uncomfortable when she starts straddling a big birthing ball and gyrates her hips in a “bump-and-grind” motion (her phrase, not mine) to demonstrate hip relaxation. 

So, only two more class periods left and Phyllis assures us that by the end we will be fully competent in the ways of Lamaze. We’re banking on her vote of confidence.

I’ll leave you with a recent scan of Jack’s profile. Does he look familiar?


Jack, 29 weeks


Baby Andy

Posted by: Sarah on April 3rd, 2005
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